It grabs my throat and squeezes tight. Even as recently as today. When I’m asked a serious question, asked for help, or even given an innocuous conversation starter, I can be riddled with
Silence.
These sinister phrases annihilate my mind:
What should I say?
What if I say the wrong thing?
What does he/she want me to say?
What if I say the wrong thing? Shit. Don’t say the wrong thing.
What’s the perfect thing to say? What’s the most perfectest thing to say?
What if I say the wrong thing? Fuck. Fuck. Please just say the right thing.
What do they want me to say?
It’s been over 15 seconds. Feels like an hour. I have to say something quick.
What if I say the wrong thing?
Do. Not. Say. The. Wrong. Thing.
I hate this voice. This guy. This Judge. This is what I’ve come to name this voice in my head. The Judge. He’s a bastard. He’s no good. But he’s been identified. And I catch him earlier, and earlier.
In response to ‘The Judge’, I’ve cultivated a voice that has helped me silence my silence.
With warmth and the utmost compassion, this voice says to me:
William.
Just talk.
It’s ok.
Just talk.
William. It’s really ok.
Just talk.
Just say something and everything will be alright. I promise you that.
I promise.
Just talk.
Everything will be ok.
Just talk.
So. I just talk.
And you know what? Everything is ok.
Courage And Other Stuff 