The Silence pt. 2

It grabs my throat and squeezes tight. Even as recently as today. When I’m asked a serious question, asked for help, or even given an innocuous conversation starter, I can be riddled with

 

Silence.

 

These sinister phrases annihilate my mind:

What should I say?

What if I say the wrong thing?

What does he/she want me to say?

What if I say the wrong thing? Shit. Don’t say the wrong thing.

What’s the perfect thing to say? What’s the most perfectest thing to say?

What if I say the wrong thing? Fuck. Fuck. Please just say the right thing.

What do they want me to say?

It’s been over 15 seconds. Feels like an hour. I have to say something quick.

What if I say the wrong thing?

Do. Not. Say. The. Wrong. Thing.

 

I hate this voice. This guy. This Judge. This is what I’ve come to name this voice in my head. The Judge. He’s a bastard. He’s no good. But he’s been identified. And I catch him earlier, and earlier.

In response to ‘The Judge’, I’ve cultivated a voice that has helped me silence my silence.

With warmth and the utmost compassion, this voice says to me:

 

William.

Just talk.

It’s ok.

Just talk.

William. It’s really ok.

Just talk.

Just say something and everything will be alright. I promise you that.

I promise.

Just talk.

Everything will be ok.

Just talk.

 

So. I just talk.

And you know what? Everything is ok.

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