The Worst Thing I’ve Ever Said

It was the worst thing I’d ever said. I didn’t realize it at the time. In fact, I meant what I said, I believed it, and didn’t know why it was such a terribly atrocious statement.

I’d take it back if I could. In a heartbeat. But people heard me. Well, one person. The person who received The Worst Thing I’d Ever Said.

It was the late 90’s. My friends and I would gather around my locker at the end of the day (because I was the coolest of our cliche, I declare) where I would say things like “Hey, why don’t we all intertwine our ball hairs?!” I was the very model of class and maturity (today I would expostulate, “Hello friends, what would you say to carefully braiding our pubic hair together, you know, in an act of lgbta solidarity? And speak one at a time, this isn’t barn.”).

After gathering at my swank corner locker, we would try to decide what to do, and carry on the same conversation we had everyday after school:

Me

What are you doing today, Achman?

Achman

I don’t know.

Me

Nate?

Nate

I don’t know. You?

Me

Not sure.

Brandon

We should do something.

Nate

Yeah. We should.

Achman

Yeah. I’m up for whatever.

Future Pizza Delivery Guy

Faggots!

(pause)

Me

So what should we do?

Achman

I don’t know.

Brandon

Whatever is fine.

Achman

Yeah. I’d do whatever.

Me

Whatever sounds good to me.

Nate

Whatever. I’m leaving. Call me when you guys decide.

(Nate exits)

Achman

I’m gonna go home, too. Just call me when you decide… whatever.

(Achman exits, leaving Brandon and I)

Me

So what are you doing?

Brandon

I don’t know.

(an hour passes)

Me

So…

Brandon

Yeah.

Me

Whatever?

I find myself at Brandon’s house. I take off my shoes in the entryway, as is customary, and make my way into the kitchen. We stand there for a moment, nearly falling back into the twilight zone of, “So what should we do?” when I start to say it.

Oh, christ, it’s hard to admit this. To put this in writing. But this is a blog about owning my story, and this thing… that I said… is a part of the fabric of my narrative. It’s made me stronger today. Sure, I lived for years with the shame of it buried deep inside of me. Who could ever know this about me and still love me? No one. I thought. Absolutely nobody.

I’ll let you be the judge.

I turned to Brandon, and I began.

Me

You know what –

I should’ve stopped there. Why didn’t I stop there?! You know when people ask you if you had a time machine? They ask, when would you go back to?  And what would you do? I would go back to right after I said the word what, and I’d kill myself.

That’s hyperbolic, but I’d at least violently throw my skull into the kitchen table hoping to knock myself unconscious. Cut my tongue out with a scissors. Choke myself  to sleep.

But no. This is not something I can change. There’s nothing I can do… to erase this:

Me

You know what –

Brandon

What?

Me

You know-

Brandon

What?

Me

I think Creed is my second favorite band.

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3 thoughts on “The Worst Thing I’ve Ever Said

  1. To this day, that is the worst shit you have ever said. I can’t even believe it. I forgave you for loving The Offspring, but this — cross the proverbial line. No longer could I take your musical tastes seriously. Maybe later we can all go back on thinking Nickleback was okay… For a bit.

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