Seattle from the Outside: 10 Observations

10 Ludicrous Snap Judgements of Seattle Formulated In The Last 10 Hours With A Complete Lack of Research:


1. The main floor of Pike Place Market is vibrant and alive with fresh flowers, produce, and seafood. (Not to imply it’s a literal hot dish of roses, cumquats, and salmon… but how delicious would that be!? I just threw up on my rain coat). In contrast, the level beneath this main floor is filled with junk. Unless, of course, you’re in the market for a Bob Marley poster and a waving gold cat you see in Chinese Restaurants.

2. Financial transactions take place via tennis balls. If you buy some smoked salmon at City Seafood at Pike Place, the man assisting you will stuff your money in a lacerated tennis ball, chuck it at the cashier, yell the amount of change you need, at which time, the cashier will Randy Johnson fast ball that shit right in front of your face back to the man who’s getting you the fish. It’s fantastic.

3. When inside your apartment, it will sound like it’s raining Cats and Dogs. But once you’re outside, you realize it’s only raining Puppies and Kittens. I added this to try and start the saying, ‘raining Puppies and Kittens’. Who’s with me?! Combining precipitation and cuteness, can’t go wrong.

4. Clouds ruin mountains. If I had a cloud in front of me, right now, I’d give it a piece of my mind.

5. “It’s raining,” is something you just stop saying.

6. The coffee is great. I feel it’s best to try multiple cups from multiple establishments in one day. This way, your blood is slowly replaced by caffeine, and thus it doesn’t matter if it’s raining or not because you can’t even control your bodily functions.  Yahhhhhhhhhhhh!

7. Seattle has the biggest cinnamon rolls.


8. Two poached eggs slapped haphazardly on poutine = looks like a warm, split scrotal sac plopped on a bed of fries. Or ‘spermies’, as Colleen put it.


9. Not necessarily specific to Seattle, but, use It’s a great way to save money, and you get to meet interesting locals.

10. Not necessarily specific to Seattle, but, when talking to the Costa Rican man who is hosting you, don’t say, “Costa Rica, cool! My girlfriend stayed their for about a month. I don’t remember much of what she did, other than work on a farm, do some yoga, and helped with some shamanistic rituals.” Which is kind of like walking up to someone from Wyoming and asking them if they have internet yet. Sort of. I don’t know. I felt like an ass, and I have to go with my gut on this one.


Look for more ludicrous observations soon!


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