Abby Wambach To The Future

Defeat sucks. Whether it’s Robin getting beat to death by The Joker, or my whey-whipped stomach getting manhandled by that she-bitch lactose, it sucks. Suckity-suck-sucks.

Four years ago, I watched the Women’s World Cup from my apartment in Chicago. In the Semi-final game, The American women stunned Brazil with a last minute goal to tie the game, and then won the game on penalty kicks. You can watch the Amazonian Warrior Soccer Goddess Abby Wambach’s game tying-goal here:

 

As Abby and her teammates were preparing for the World Cup Final in Germany, I was working at Best Buy on Michigan Ave. The Magnificent Mile, as they say. So magnificent that they paid me $9/hr to work there! Where’s my Duck Tales Money Bin?! Fill that shit up, a guy’s gonna swim! In all reality, that’s not a lot of money, and I spent most of my time sitting next to defecating crazy people on the CTA (the bus). And for anyone who’s lived in Chicago, you know that the CTA is more Ren & Stimpy than Duck Tales.

 

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Belmont is next. Doors open on the right.

 

After defeating the Brazilians, the American women were up against Japan in the final. The Americans were heavily favored. If they won, they would win their first World Cup since 1999, when Brandi Chastain buried her penalty kick, and struck this iconic sports pose.

 

PASADENA, :  Brandi Chastain of the US shouts after falling on her knees after she scored the last goal in a shoot-out in the finals of the Women's World Cup with China at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California 10 July 1999. The US won 5-4 on penalties.  (ELECTRONIC IMAGE) AFP PHOTO/HECTOR MATA (Photo credit should read HECTOR MATA/AFP/Getty Images)

PASADENA, : Brandi Chastain of the US shouts after falling on her knees after she scored the last goal in a shoot-out in the finals of the Women’s World Cup with China at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California 10 July 1999. The US won 5-4 on penalties. (ELECTRONIC IMAGE) AFP PHOTO/HECTOR MATA (Photo credit should read HECTOR MATA/AFP/Getty Images)

 

1999 turned out to be a better year than 2011. The Americans, as heavily favored as they were, could not muster the strength needed to defeat the Japanese. The Americans lost on penalty kicks, and left for home with second place. It’s an old cliche to say that second place is simply the first loser, but sometimes, that’s all it feels like. We lost, and I sat there thinking, ‘I have to wait four more years to see if we can win this thing?! Four years?!?! That’s like, OMG, an eternity!!!!!’ The lowly Cubs get a shot every year. The Vikings, Twins, Wild, T-Wolves, they all get a shot every year. No matter how unrealistic it is, you can still hold on to the hope that ‘there’s always next year’. ‘There’s always four years from now’, in comparison, is unbearable. Four years? Who knows if I’ll even be alive then! Where will I be living?! Who will I be dating! What kind of job will I be complaining about! I sat there wondering, where will I even be four years from now…

Four years later, and today is the day after America’s birthday. The US women again face Japan in the World Cup Final. I thought mostly about listing all of the things that I’ve done in the four years that have passed, but I balked at that to show one stat that I believe is truly incredible.

Legalized Same-Sex Marriage

2011: Six States

2015: The United States of America

Happy Belated Birthday, Red, White and Blue.

 

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